Winter to Spring

I always start off my journal entries with the date, my location, and the sentence, “Today I am feeling…”. I have been doing this for as long as I can remember with journals filled with scribbles, tear stains, pressed flowers, poetry, prayers, gratitude lists, and fond memories dating back to the eighth grade. Front to back, these journals tell my every story as they sit neatly on an oak bookshelf in my mother’s childhood bedroom. During the first two and a half months of my fellowship, I journaled religiously so that I may recount the places I visited and connections I made, hoping to someday return to the home I created in New Zealand. As I sat on my flight from Auckland to Hong Kong, I started my journal entry with “Today I feel” and I found myself in a rut. I was unsure of what word to use to articulate the emotions I was feeling; I could not quite put a finger on it, hence why it has taken me so long to finish writing this entry.

Eager. Fearful. Grateful. Melancholic.

I was all of these things at once. Eager for the next part of my journey, fearful of the unknown, grateful to create new memories, and melancholic to leave a place and people I had grown to know and love. While in New Zealand, I stayed with four different host families and seven hostels, volunteered at three different community gardens, two home gardens, and a playcentre. I visited over a dozen beaches, ten-plus gardens, six museums, and twelve different cities. I went on my first solo roadtrip, experienced my first-ever van excursion, reached three summits, sowed thousands of seeds, designed new landscapes, and hugged people tightly in hopes to see them again. I felt the highs and the lows, experienced the changing of the seasons, and dove deeper into my project which I feel more intensely passionate about as the days pass.

As the seasons changed, so did I. I have never felt more confident in myself in so many ways–in how I navigate life, talk to strangers, give myself compassion, set boundaries, take rest when I need to, and even to drive on the other side of the road–yet there are so many moments where I felt completely defeated and depleted. Embracing stillness has been crucial for my well-being while abroad. I often struggle with uncertainty. It feels as if my mind is but an everebbing spiral of what ifs and unknowns. It is when I am in nature that I can fully embrace this idea of stillness with the quiet hums of the wind and the aromatic flowers that allow me to travel to a seemingly euphoric state. It is when I am in nature that I can slow my mind. It is when I am in nature that I feel there is purpose–that I have a purpose.

New Zealand was not originally a country I had chosen for my project. Knowing myself, I was unsure if I could go to a place without having my every day planned to a tee, but I allowed myself to go where the wind took me. There were so many instances I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be; there were other moments where I felt out of place and homesick. The ability to see it through despite the unknowns has allowed me to see myself through a different lens and appreciate the person I am growing into. Recognizing that nature allows me to feel completely and authentically myself only strengthens my desire to see the impact it has on others. I could not have asked for a better introduction to this yearlong journey than the time I spent in New Zealand.